Day 36

So what has happened over the weekend? Not much really, the same old boring routine, I don't even think we can call it survival anymore, its more just living in co existence with the infected. If I was living at ground level in a tent, setting up traps and armed with a commando knife and a pistol then yes I would say its survival. All I do is sit within the safety of my 12th floor flat in a securely barricaded tower block to which I am starting to think I am the only living soul of. I mean yes, each day is tough living in a shoe box with no power, no entertainment and a supply of limited pub food. Yeah I can see how that can be annoying after a while, time moves slower than eternity itself and being lonely doesn't help, but at least I'm not on ground level battling off hordes of infected with nothing but a canvas tent to protect me at night.

I am starting to worry about my own sanity a bit, I guess being alone too long with nothing to do can produce many psychological problems if left long term. It may be part of the grieving process or eating gone off peanuts, but this morning Robyn came into the living room, sat down and asked me to make her a cup of tea. The crazy thing was I didn't even register the fact that 3 weeks ago I buried a maglite into the back of her skull and dragged her body down a few flights of stairs, which I can actually smell through the front door now.

So yeah, It was a weird moment, a bit like in a dream where a dead loved one comes to visit you and at no point does your brain switch on and say "this person is actually dead." its a very weird thing to experience, yet you continue on as if nothing is wrong. So I went into the kitchen, made her a cup of tea, came back in to find that she was gone. What made it stranger was It finally clicked in my head that she never was there when I sat down again, and the cup of tea I just made for her was no longer in my hand. So I went in to check the kitchen and of course I didn't bring in a cup of tea, there was no power to turn on the kettle and her cup was still in the cupboard. So what the hell happened, its like I dreamed or hallucinated an entire 20 minute incident that never happened, but it all seemed so real. I hadn't fallen asleep and I haven't taken any drugs so it really felt like it must have happened.
After doing some research about trauma, and psychological conditions I think I found something that answered my question. If someone has been part of a traumatic incident, is subjected to long term isolation with no mental stimulation the brain starts to act out, and puts the person into a kind of standby or mental lock down, then replaces the current mental state with a previous memory or conscious dream. So in short I acted out a past memory I shared with Robyn some time and brought it into my current conscious state. She walked in to the living room as she normally would, and I didn't immediately freak out at her being dead, because in my memory she was still alive, and I also acted out to make her a cup of tea, because that's what I would do. It all started to come together when the memory came to its end and reality took over, leaving me back where I started and confused about what just happened. I sure do hope I don't get many more of these because not only do they confuse the hell out of you, but they really are a sure bet that my sanity is starting to slip. Well its good that I have found the answer to this, so I think now I am more aware that passed memories are trying to enter my current mental consciousness. I can keep on top of it and say "wait a minute, this isn't real, its just a memory." Then I can keep control of my mind, realise I had a mental lapse and prevent myself from getting worse.

I am going to try and limit how many blogs I write on here, if not to spare laptop power, but its hard trying to bring up things to talk about when I am all on my own living with nothing to do. So do not be surprised if I only post once every two days or once a week. Naturally if something big happens I will be right on here to tell you all about it. Right I have to go now, Robyn needs us to go and make some dinner so hopefully I will be on soon to update you with some news, we have to go shopping today so hopefully we can pick up some smoked Salmon.