Day 41

I am tearing at my head these last few days, trying to quash the rogue memories trying to break out and take over, I am fighting to keep my sanity, fighting to stay alive. What makes it worse is I can't always tell the difference between the real world and my mind, I find that I am starting to argue with myself which is hard to explain unless you can feel and think the same things I am. Its like your mind says something to you that you don't agree with and your brain conflicts with it, you are in effect arguing with your own mind. An example of this happened this morning, my mind told me that I had to leave the flat and end it all in a blaze of glory while taking as many of those things out with me as possible, and my brain was like "shut up and don't be so stupid." Think of the relationship Tom Hanks had with his ball Wilson in the film Castaway, that is the only way I can really describe it.

While I am lucid I thought I would come on here and let you all know I am still alive and I hope most of you are too. I read a story from a group of survivors that had been roughing it out in some old warehouse, they had a young girl who they found out on her own. She was 7 years old and found at the side of the road clutching a bloodied kitchen knife and surrounded by dead infected. This small, innocent child had survived all on her own, after her parents got savaged by infected that broke into their home. This girl had fought her way out and stabbed attacking zombies in the head to kill them. What age is that to lose your family and get thrown into this world? The terrors she has seen is too much for any child to bear. She should be sitting at home playing with dolls or sleeping safely in her bed, yet she is out in the dark alone with thousands of hidden dangers, just waiting to strike at any moment.
The survivors who found her said that they had a lot of trouble trying to coax her into coming back with them to the warehouse. She showed no signs of a child, more like a barbaric animal wielding a knife that had taken many tortured souls in her path. In fact they were so worried about bringing her back that she could turn and attack them when they weren't looking. Even if there is an end to this disaster, that little girl will probably need endless psychological care for the rest of her life, because she has become a primitive animistic killer, probably not even old enough to know right from wrong, deeply disturbed by everything she has seen, and sees everyone as a threat. That said, they are trying to calm her down and let her know that she is safe now, the monsters won't get her and she doesn't need to be defensive. I can't help but think, this child's mind has been corrupted forever and the damage is irreversible.

In a way I wish that I had some company now, I always was a loner who enjoyed my own time to myself, yet you need to be careful what you wish for, the last month and a half I have had a bit too much of that and the lack of human company really has had a toll on me mentally and emotionally. When I go out to do a supply top up, I may keep my eyes out for any survivors, may even look for a new camera or batteries to replace mine as it is completely dead with no way of charging it. I may even catch up with those zombie rapists I saw the other week, If I did run into them I would probably blow each of their bollocks off and leave them to bleed out like the vile animals they are.
I may even run into a group of survivors that need shelter in my place. This time 3 weeks ago I would have completely threw out the idea, but now, I relish the thought of company, maybe even someone to keep me sorted when I end up having a passed memory invasion. Most of all I would love to see a damned army helicopter, ready to whisk me away to a safe desert island with nothing but sandy beaches, crystal clear water and beer on tap.