Day 105

I cannot believe it has been over 100 days since this whole situation started, things are showing no signs of improvement. Internet sites have stopped updating, no new films or TV shows are being made, but one thing is for sure, the dead continue to rule the world. The Internet has been down the last few days, so I haven't been able to update. It has been depressing being on my own again, I started to get attached to Steve, for a while normality had set in, it was like having a mate round to stay, and as soon as he arrived, the viral plague dominating the Earth came and took him too. I had to drag his body out and I left it beside Robyn's body. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her, The stench was too overpowering, and swamped with flies and maggots, I couldn't see properly, but there really wasn't much left of her now, just meaty bones. I don't think I could bring myself to get attached to anyone else if they came into my life, its too hurtful when they go, leave me behind to deal with life on my own in this personal hell. I kept thinking I should just turn the gun on myself, end it while I still have whats left of my own sanity, but I keep hanging on this feeling that one day there will be an end to all this and we can start life again. Am I being tested? is this my fate? Why am I still alive and able to continue while everyone else is nothing more than undead monsters. Some people are happy the way things are, I can imagine that if you are with the right people and surviving in the right place, this kind of life could be paradise, I mean who complain when living in a world with no rules? You can do what you want, take what you want and kill who you want. That all seems like fun, but I am not in any kind of situation where I can say I'm enjoying it. I couldn't live in a community with other people, I enjoy my own company too much, however with living in a community in a world with no rules, you end up living under rules of those who decide to lead the rest.
So how does it feel to actually kill someone living? Unlike Robyn, Steve hadn't turned so he was in fact still alive at the time, even though he was due to turn at any time. I can honestly say it felt easier than I expected, you hear about people who have killed people in car crashes and even people in prison for murder talk about how they are tortured every day afterwards for it. I didn't feel like that at all, am I different? Am I a closet serial killer who has no conscience or empathy? I can't say, its probably easier to blame it on the situation where its kill or be killed, a split second determines whether or not you get to live or die. I have been completely desensitised to death, murder and killing, and it didn't take long for that social boundary to change in me. I guess we really are no different from animals, but by being able to communicate and having a society like we do, its the one thing that separates us from animals. So now we have no society, we can only now be animals.