Day 15

I had a nice lay in this morning, slept a bit funny last night and my neck is playing up it feels a bit stiff like I chocked on a Viagra or something. You have to excuse my sense of humor I am trying anything I can to keep morale up, if you lose your sense of humor you slowly drift into depression and that is a very dangerous thing to live with in a situation like this. looking through some things I found my camcorder, lucky enough the battery is fully charged so I may actually start doing some video blogs instead of written ones just to save battery power. I swear to god I must be going mad because this morning I heard Robyn's voice, she called out my name it was clear as day. I always believed in the afterlife, not heaven or hell, nothing like that, but the soul must live on as a spiritual entity. Maybe it was Robyn telling me she had passed over okay, maybe she was telling me that she didn't blame me for stoving her pretty head in with a heavy duty torch, or just maybe I'm losing my mind and I really am hearing voices. So how am I coping with my loss? I have had a few days to think and absorb what happened and I can honesty say i feel bitter to the core. No matter what i do or what I try to think in justifying my actions I took a human life, not just any life, but the woman I have loved for over 6 years and I feel awful. All I want to do is turn myself in to the police, the guilt is eating me from the inside out.
I couldn't make a career out of being a soldier or serial killer the guilt would destroy me. I just hope that time will start to make it easier for me, I have to program my brain to accept that I have been spared for what ever reason. Why me? Why do I get to live out this nightmare when so many people in the world have perished to this disease? How come if it is an airborne virus, why haven't I contracted it? Do I have some sort of genetic immune system? You hear about these people who have something in their blood that prevents them contracting HIV, maybe I have something that protects me from catching this H5N8 Virus.
The one thing I miss the most is a cigarette, yes its true, I ran out of Golden Virginia  like 2 days ago and I am climbing the walls like a crackhead trying to get a fix. I wish I had quit with the patches, but it looks like I'm going cold turkey and its not very nice. One Thing I do get to enjoy is a bottle of homemade wine, yes I have been brewing 3 demi johns of home made red wine and I think that they should be ready to serve this weekend. I can't find a beer anywhere but tonight I drink wine. I need something to take the edge off everything that has happened, so maybe getting a bit pissed will be a great release. I am going to hold up a glass to Robyn and everyone else who I have loved and lost, cheers and good health, bottoms up.